When I take an open-hearted look back at my life, there are two significant events in my life that caused me the greatest trauma. The first was being abandoned numerous times, and not being claimed by my father. The second was being forcibly held down, touched, groped, and kissed by a teenage boy when I was a young girl on several occasions. These two life events showed up and affected me in so many ways, the most visible being extra weight that I carried.
My relationship with my father is one that is hard to put into simple words. The best way I can explain it is he was always coming and going, not dependable and would always end up leaving with no explanation in the end. The last time I spoke with my father was when I was in college. I thought that we made amends, at least I had forgiven him and thought that we were developing a father daughter relationship. I called him one day which at that time was normal to do as we were talking on a regular basis. I was shocked and confused when I wasn't able to reach him only to learn that he had moved. I never heard from him again. The hardest thing about this is that he still to this day does not acknowledge that I am his daughter, that I even exist.
The second life event was one that took some time to process the impact, to make the connections to how my life was impacted. You see, for the longest time I never thought that encounter that I had when I was a young girl was something that I didn't have to keep to myself. I thought for years I had no space to claim what happened to me as an act of violence as there was no sex involved. It wasn't until I realized that what happened to me was a form of sexual assault. Able to acknowledge what happened to me and how it was so much a part of the story of "me" that was playing on replay.
You see, the extra weight that I carried starting as a young adult served as a demonstration of my suffering in feeling wanted and acknowledged by my father. It also served as a self-imposed shield against unwanted sexual attention, reinforced through other sexual misconduct experiences into adult hood. These were two heavy weights that I unhappily carried with me well into my early 30's.
It wasn't until I acknowledged the impact that these events had on me in every area of my life from how I was as a daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, girlfriend, and a human, that I was able to become the being that you see before you. As the divine womanly being I am today I understand the pain of trauma and the need to heal for the greatest of peace of mind and connection to our most empowered self. It requires becoming connected to our own place of love and to always be guided and centered from there each and every day!
Through my own divinely guided healing journey, I learned and recognize:
Our parents’ parent from a space of their own traumatic childhood experiences and the level of healing from those experiences.
Comparing our experiences to others to justify the level of pain we should be allowed to feel does not make these experiences less impactful.
Healing from trauma can be hard, messy, disappointing, and heartbreaking.
Not healing from our trauma makes everything in our life much harder, even messier, always disappointing, with a constant aching heart.
We are not defined by what we experience, we are influenced by them.
How we are influenced by them is determined in the way we stand in the power of making it through, surviving it all standing in the power of making it through-empowered.
Guided from divine love all things are better aligned and purposeful.